I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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