Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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