Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
