he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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