We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
