Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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