he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
