my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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