I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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