the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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