i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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