so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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