Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
If I had your ass I would rule the world
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
