If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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