When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
