Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
