the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
