I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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