I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
