He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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