That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize