you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
A bitchslap is in order.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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