Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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