A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Randomize
