Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
