At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
