she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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