Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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