I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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