there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
