Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize