Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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