he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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