Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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