A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
