two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
