I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize