when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i just made my gag reflex go away.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize