yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
