I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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