so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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