so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
