Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
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