i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I think I won the penis lottery.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Someone signed my nipple.
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