I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
