you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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