If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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