Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
