yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
