Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
