He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
