Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
