I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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