this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize