your parents love me but you hate me
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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