i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
