i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize