I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
