i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
grandma shit on top of the toilet
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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