peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
