Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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